I've been making a solid effort not to take Ambien lately. I've been good about it, except I haven't been sleeping well at all. It usually takes me a while to get used to not taking it but this is the third sleepless night in a row. It's starting to majorly suck.

With all my extra non-sleeping time, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Kind of about everything. Thoughts are probably the cause for my sleepless nights. They're very loud sometimes.

Listening to songs I haven't heard in a while has brought mixed emotions. I've actually cried a few times tonight. Not hysterically sobs or anything of that nature, but more of a "this is so beautiful that I'm moved" type of cry. But it's not necessarily moved that I feel, it's partially sad. I'm so lucky to have the people I have in my life in my life right now. Words cannot describe the gratitude I feel for them. I honestly have some of the most amazing people anyone could every ask for and I appreciate them more then any of them will know. At the same time, there are some people who have come and gone in my life who I miss a lot. Especially when I'm up all night looking through old photographs and can't sleep. There's also times in my life I miss. Don't get me wrong, I don't miss them in a way that I want these times back. It's more of a fondness for certain memories that make me sad. I don't know if I'm making any sense at all, but it's 3 in the morning so I don't think it matters much.

My birthday is in three days. It's kind of scary. I will be 23 years young. I haven't fully decided how I feel about it. I have a lot of mixed emotions I guess. I go back and forth between a lot of different feelings.

I should be writing more. I should be doing a lot of things but the whole motivation thing is seriously lacking in my life. I'll get there, eventually.

I guess that's all for now. I'm tired and I want to sleep, but I've been in bed basically since 10:30pm with no luck. I made some tea and will probably go back to reading Peter Pan now.

Until next time...

I want to drink more this summer. Like, midday drinks that continue on to the evening.

New Summer Goal!

I'm kind of bumming right now. This is going to sound so absolutely pathetic but I wish I had something to do tonight. I mean, sure, there's a ton of cleaning and organizing to do that I'm supposed to have had done already (I know, I suck) and I probably could find some sewing stuff to do (there's always sewing stuff) but I'm not in the mood for either of those. My motivation has been so low lately and I don't know why. I guess I just wish I had friends who would call me up to hang out or something. I mean, it's not entirely their fault because most of my friends are out tonight and usually I can't afford to go out (I could tonight but it's probably better that I don't) so they've kind of stopped asking me. I guess I just feel really alone. My phone is sort of broken as well and either people aren't getting my messages or they're completely ignoring me. Both of those scenarios suck though.

I realized I don't have any plans whatsoever for tomorrow. I may work tomorrow night but of course I don't know for sure yet. I really want to do something productive and useful. I just can't seem to make myself lately.

I went to NYC yesterday but barley took any photos which I'm kind of bummed about. It's totally my own fault though. I went during a busy time so there were tons of people everywhere and I always feel like I'm in the way when I stop to take pictures. It was also difficult because there was SO much around me that I couldn't decide what to photograph so instead I just didn't. I went to the MOMA and saw a lot of cool stuff. It was also really crowded though so I didn't stay as long. I decided that graphics and design things (like fonts) kind of make my head hurt. It's too look at. I can't find something specific to focus on.

They had some South African art and it's making me want to go even more. I don't know if that will actually happen, it would probably be wiser of me not to do something like that. But, when do I do things that are wise? I mean, yeah, sometimes, but more often, usually not. So we'll see.

I guess that's all for now. I seriously wish this motivation would kick in. I have lots of cleaning, organizing, crafting, making art (the two are different) and work to do and I want to do. I just can't seem to make myself.