I've had a headache all weekend. It's gone from bad to worse to ok and back again. I don't know why. It's particularly bad at the moment.

I'm at work right now. The girl is happily playing by herself, which is nice. The mom came home and I was on my computer, so I looked incredibly lazy and useless. I really hope she doesn't mind. I feel bad too because she said I spent a lot of money last week (which I did) but kind of said it in a bad way. She usually takes her daughter out for lunch and stuff, which is usually around $12, which is what I did too. She owes me a lot of money right now, but can't pay me till Friday which really sucks. Like, really really sucks. I guess at least I'll get a big pay check then and it will be ok because then I can't spend it before then and I'll have it for school? I just need some now, I have almost zero in my accounts, all of them, and I need gas.


My head really hurts and I don't know what to do. I took advil.

I have so much packing to do. And other things. Hard to do with no money. Ughs. Big big ughs.

I guess that's all for now. I'm going to go look up useless info until Brooke needs me for something.

Life is moving really fast these days and I'm really uncomfortable with it. On a long drive home recently, I thought about a lot of stuff and I'm thinking I may need to work a lot of this out. I don't really want to go back into therapy (because it's expensive - not because I'm against it - it's been very helpful in the past) but I may have to. The thing is, I'm not even entirely sure what needs to be worked out. I'm just feeling not ok at the moment and I really don't like it.

Next week is school, so this is my last week home. I'm sad about it; I feel like I didn't get a lot accomplished this summer. I didn't have the greatest of summers. I worked a lot, which was good, but had huge issues saving money (because of expenses and because I'm not the greatest saver) so I don't have much to show for all of my work. I probably will have the same job next summer - I hope, so that's good. I don't want to leave my grandparents. I'm really sad about it.

I'm looking forward to this semester and I'm planning on working my ass off. I want to learn as much as possible and take some amazing photographs for my future portfolio. I'm going to work harder in my history of photo class then I ever have in any art history class (although I worked pretty hard in my African Art class last semester but I'm going to step it up) I'm trying my best to get myself pumped up.

I have a lot of stuff moved already but still have to move all of my clothing (which is a lot) and some random stuff. Not looking forward to it truthfully. I'm looking forward to being all moved in. I have to order a futon as soon as I get paid from last week, which I didn't get yet which kind of sucks. But yeah, futon for a bed. It's probably going to backfire on me, but luckily I can make uncomfortable sleeping situations work for me, so that's good at least.

I have to deal with stuff and I don't want to. I'm not ready to, I guess. Or, I just don't want to. Either.

I'm really bored at work right now. I'm watching the girl, but she's watching TV (cause her mom just wants her to chill). We went to the park earlier today, ran some errands, and then got some lunch and came home. She has an art class in a few hours, so that'll be nice I guess. I'm just bored now. I guess I could go watch TV with her but I'm really tired of the disney channel. it's just annoying.

ughhhhh. why can things never be simple? I don't understand it.

fuck. I hate boredom. at least I'm making money..

back to being bored I go.

I had nothing to do today so I just stayed up at school. I have work tomorrow.

I'm kind of depressed.

The reason I'm upset is that I have a friend, one of my best friends, who has barley talked to me all summer. I don't know why and I don't know what I did to make this happen. I have tried to reach out to her with no success. This has never happened before in our friendship and I honestly thought it never would. It's happened to me in the past with a different friend once; we were the best of friends and then she just stopped talking to me, with no reason. Eventually she came around and told me what her reason was (which I won't get into here but was silly - she wasn't angry at me for something I did, it was something else completely having to do with her). I'm at a loss in this situation, I don't know what to do. I've tried and gotten zero reciprocation. Mostly though, it just makes me sad. I feel like I've lost a best friend, which I pretty much have. And that's a horrible feeling to have.

I ordered more polaroid film online over the weekend. (with money I seriously should not have spent) Hopefully it won't take as long to get here as the camera and first order of film did. That would really suck. I'm still in love with the camera, but I've had to slow myself down because I can go through film SO quickly.

I'm trying to distract myself and get my mind off this whole situation with my friend but I don't really know how to. My initial reaction is defensive, but I don't know if that's the right way to approach the situation. I seriously don't even know what the situation is, which makes it pretty impossible to approach at all.

I need to figure out stuff in my life. I have an idea, but I want a better idea. I know nothing can be set in stone because you never know what's going to happen in life, whats around the corner. That's one of my biggest fears, things that are around the corner. I hate the unknown.

I'm just sad and depressed and I don't know what to do with myself in this moment. I have to do laundry and I should clean up my room a bit, but I don't feel like doing anything. I just feel sad. I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do.

I am beyond absolutely convinced that there's something in the water up at school because everytime I come here after being away for a while, I get sick to my stomach. Every single semester after being home, it happens. If I'm away for two weeks (as in this case) it happens. I don't fucking understand it! You'd think that by now, after four years, I'd be used to it. But no. Everysinglefuckingtime!!!!!


Sigh. So basically I'm up here at school this weekend. I didn't really have much to do here, but I figure I'm paying for this apartment, I may as well be in it. Tonight I'm going to a bon fire at Alex's with a bunch of my UConn friends which should be really nice. Although I'm not feeling that great right now (stomach issues plus a very angry period). But, I'm going to go a little late (he won't even be there till 8 but Zack is there setting up from 4-on)

I GOT MY NEW POLAROID CAMERA!!!!!! I'm so fucking excited about it. I'm absolutely in love, all over again. Seriously, polaroids are the reason I love photography so much. It's not the form I fell in love with originally, but it's the form that I love best. I started in black and white, but did do color slides on polaroid peel apart film back in high school, which is when I first fell in love with polaroids. Ahhh I can't get over how much I love it. I ordered more film last night, but I just want boxes and boxes and cases and cases of it (which I cannot afford) I'm going to have to finagle a way to make it "school supplies". Maybe I'll do lots of advanced projects in polaroids. and I can test 4x5 in polaroids (the film is about $1 a sheet (plus shipping-they come in boxes of $10 and shipping flat rate is like $5), which isn't cheap, but 4x5 costs about $4-$5 a sheet for the film and processing of the film so it's cheaper then that). The new camera has a picture that's about half (probably even less then that) the size of the old 600 film. I miss that film, but I love the new one. I miss 669 film too (the peel apart kind). I still have a few boxes of that to do slides on. I wanted to try to save it for my senior project but I have to look at the expiration dates and figure out of that's feesable.

Ok I'm semi inspired (for the first time all summer) to go and look at some photo books and brainstorm some photo project ideas. Hopefully I'll feel better soon and get my ass over to Alex's.

Lots to update on. Last week was kind of bad because I only worked one day because my boss and her daughter went out of town. I was at my apartment for the majority of the weekend and got a bunch of stuff done there which was good. Then came back to find I didn't need to work for most of the week, which wasn't so good.

Then, this weekend, which was super busy. It was the greatest idea, but I drove down to VA for Jose's sister's wedding. (The going wasn't the problem, it was just driving my car - it's got over 200,000 miles on it and isn't doing that great - I probably should have found another way. oh well!) It was a packed weekend. I arrived Friday afternoon, Jose and I hung out, then went to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. I met a lot of his extended family which was nice and a lot of family friends. It was truely nice to get to know his family better. His uncle is a photographer and we got to talk for a while which was also pretty cool.

Then, Saturday, wedding day. It was busy busy. Jose and I were in charge of getting the flowers from the woman who did them and then bringing them to the hall where the party was and the church. We ended up having to get bows at a nearby florist because someone had forgotten to order them. For 4 bows, little white ribbon bows and went on the first two pews on either side at the church, cost $75. I'm not even joking! Insane! I decided that I'm already going to start saving for my wedding because that's just crazy!!!! Anyways, we got there, helped out, and the ceremony was an hour and a half. They had a full catholic mass with a lot of music which is why it was so long. It wasn't that bad though. I didn't really know what to do/what was going on because I'm not catholic, but, I followed along pretty well. Oh, also, half of it was in Spanish because the grooms family (and most of Jose's family) is from Mexico. So I used a lot of my (not very good) Spanish skills this weekend.

The party afterwards was fun. They had great food (a fajita buffet with other Mexican foods) and there was lots of beer, socializing and dancing. Jose's godmother reminded me SO much of my Grams who passed away almost a year ago. My Grams was kind of crazy with a whacky sense of humor and though his godmother wasn't crazy, I feel they had the same sense of humor. It was nice for me to get to experience that in someone else. There was also lots of dancing at the party, which I was horrible out. I'm not a good dancer AT ALL. Jose made fun of me a little for my dancing and attempted to help me out/teach me, but that didn't go too well. I was embarrassed. Hopefully the videographer didn't get much of me on tape during that portion of the evening.

The whole experience was nice though. Overall it kind of made me sad though because it made me think about my wedding and stuff. It made me think a lot about my mom and how hard it will be without her. I almost cried multiple times from the rehersal to the reception thinking about how much I want my mom to be there and how she won't. It also made me kind of sad because I need my father and my grandparents to be there too, but everyone is getting old and it just scares me. I just hope it all works out is all.

Seriously though, the weekend was great. I feel bad because I was kind of cranky through parts of it (any family time, even with my own family, kind of stresses me out/makes me sad for the above reasons and just because it makes me think of the sad stuff (even though I know I shouldn't think of the sad things, I still do) so being with this huge family that I barley knew was a little stressful/sad). I tried my best to be my best, hopefully it was alright. Most of his family seemed to really like me, which makes me happier then words can describe. I feel like this is a really great step in the right direction for our future. :-)

This week will hopefully be filled with work. I'm not working today because Brooke is away with her dad camping. I am working a FULL day tomorrow though because Amy has work too. I have no clue what I'm going to do with Brooke. I think I'm going to be working full days the whole week since Amy has work all week. At least I'll be making (much needed) money. Next weekend I may be up at school. I have to talk to Jose more and figure out when he's coming up next.

I guess that's all for now, a very long update! I shall write more soon!

I've been really stressed out with moving. Things aren't going as I had imagined/planned which is making everything else more difficult.

I ordered furniture and I'm confused by the tracking. I think something is coming tomorrow because it says "on truck for delivery" only it says it won't be here till Thursday. Confusing.

Apartment living is not what I had imaged. Not yet at least.

I'm very bored and have nothing to do right now. I'm tired of watching DVD's and I don't feel like sewing either. I guess I can work on my polaroid wall except I don't know exactly where everything is going to be going in my room yet so I'm not 100% sure where to put it.

I seriously hope this week is better. I need to make more money, and fast.