I'm currently in the darkroom covering Zack's shift. It's over in about 10 minutes though. I finished the Index of the darkroom and did email so I was fairly productive darkroom-wise.

I've been doing homework all weekend yet I feel like I've accomplished nothing and it sucks. I've been trying to maintain work lately and not be behind but I still feel behind and like I can't catch up. This week will be rough.

Big news! Turid had her baby!!! His name is Dominic and he's adorable! I'm going tomorrow to see her and him in the hospital. I'm really excited. And so happy for her. I've definately cried a few times thinking about it and that's just how happy I am.

I did a lot of thinking on Friday and sort of worked some things out. I have a lot of decisions to make in the next few weeks (really just a week and a half actually) and I have to get on that. I'm probably going to do some more thinking tonight and possibly research.

I need to think of what to do for my 4x5 final. I really loved my final the first time I took it, where I photographed a poem that I wrote back in high school. I probably haven't written a poem since then though so I couldn't do that idea again. Unless I write one. Or maybe find a poem I really love? I'm not sure if I want to do that again though. All I know is that I want to be emotionally connected to this project because I'm finding the more connected I am to something the harder I work at it. (I know this isn't some new idea I've come up with but even though I've known this for a long time, I'm finally starting to see it)

I have some reading to do and I started it but can't seem to make myself do it. Like I said, I have a lot of thinking that I need to get done. And brainstorming.

Time to pack up and go home shortly. More soon.

So confused. SO. CONFUSED.

I've read (almost) everything to be caught up in art history. I've put most of the pieces together. Yet, there's some pieces that don't fit and I don't know how to make them fit. I get them all individually but when connecting them, I am baffled.

I have no idea what to do.

I'm making a study guide now (or will be after I finish writing this). Then, note cards. But I don't need to identify anything, just compare and answer questions about things.

I have a better feeling about this exam then I did this morning. I would not classify this as a good feeling though.

Also, I'm very annoyed today at random random things. If I said half the stuff that popped into my head today, I'd be a royal bitch. Luckily, I've stopped myself most of the day.

But seriously, the things that annoy me: annoying. squared.

How does this all connect? How?

Absolutely confused.

I went to NYC over the weekend with my Clay Sculpture class. We went to a ton of art galleries and saw lots of art. It was pretty awesome. It was also Kate's 21st bday so that was exciting. The first two pictures are of pieces of art we saw, the photographs are Nan Goldins. I forget the name of the other artist (but will post it later because I have it written down!). Then, Kate and I and last a picture of buildings.

I'm not entirely sure when this happened, but I have a new life. I guess in a way, life is always changing and there's always some new aspect of it.

I bring this up mostly though because I miss parts of my old life. I'm not entirely sure what parts, but just moments that I've had in the past that I no longer have, I miss. Not miss to the point where I long for them or am really sad over it. It's just sometimes I get this feeling or memory, and remember something fondly, and miss it, but then it goes away. It's really strange. It doesn't happen all the time, just randomly. It happened today and it kind of hit me hard because I don't think about the time that I missed specifically today very often and it's an odd thing to miss. Who knows.

I finally looked at my advisement report. I'm going to be here a full year, graduating December 2011. Sigh. It's not what I wanted, but at the same time, I'm not completely upset over it. It's taken me a long ass time but it's taken more time then I have left so I may as well finish it. I feel like I notoriously start things and then don't finish, which is a horrible habit I'd love to break.

I'm supposed to be doing a project for advanced right now, which I should probably go do considering it's due in an hour and a half. It's drawing your photographs which I am NOT looking forward to. I just printed out the sheet so I should probably read the whole thing to better understand the assignment.

There's so many things that I want to do and there never seems to be enough time to do any of it. Projects and things like that. Well, I guess homework too, but I don't really want to do that haha. In all seriousness though, I really need to get my shit together and make myself DO things. Whether it's homework or other projects, I need to get my ass motivated and quick. How do you motivate yourself? Cause I could definately use some advice...

Crap. now there's only 50 minutes till class. Time to rush and do this assignment...

Things are slightly better I guess. I'm not sure. I'm still confused about how/what I'm feeling.

Right now I'm at work and I'm super bored. I brought my polaroid enlarger and printed a lot of stuff, but didn't bring enough polaroid (it's actually now fuji) sheet film. So I can't do that anymore.

I have a giant to do list but of course am not in the mood to do anything on any of it. I really need to as well. Sigh. Fuck fuck fuck. I don't know what to do. I have no darkroom related things to do at the moment and I don't feel like doing my sculpture stuff which I have a lot of.

argh!!!!!!!

I want to make something. I wish I had brought my sewing. I'm making some awesome dinosaur pajamas right now and I'd love to work on them. But, I didn't bring it.

Ugh.

I should absolutely be on top of the world right now. Things are going really good in most aspects of my life. And most of the things that aren't going great are my own fault (which I'm aware of).

This all started after my last post. I wrote an email to my cousin, whom I'm really close with, and for some reason, writing to her, I unearthed a lot of sadness and sorrow that had apparently been building up inside of me for a while. And now I can't seem to shake it. I've talked to my close friends about it in detail, and everyone, myself included, agrees that the reasons why I'm sad are perfectly normal and I have every right to feel that way. But I don't want to. I don't want to be sad because of this.

I apologize for being so cryptic. I don't want to talk about some of this because it hasn't happened yet and I don't want to jump the gun too much.

I can however explain a little more then I have been. I kind of touched on this subject last time. Basically there are some changes happening in my life, most of them really really good, yet I've been crying since Monday because it's hit me all over again that my mom isn't going to be here for me through all of this. She isn't going to get to see any of it. Now, I know she's in my heart and always will be. I also know that I have a ton of amazing and wonderful people surrounding me and loving me and I couldn't be luckier in that sense. Even though I know all of this, and believe this, it doesn't even begin to make up for the fact that she is not here. And that she won't be here. There's nothing anyone can do to change that or make it better. This is not something that is going to feel better.

I really don't want to be sad right now. Not when things are the way they are. But I can't help it.

I'm at a loss. I've hit a wall and I don't know where to go from here. I don't have much of a choice, other then to let myself be sad. And be thankful that the people around me are so loving and understanding and put up with me.

None of this knowledge changes the fact that she's gone and never coming back.

This is from when Jose was here a couple of weeks ago. Yes, we're cute and make Ellesse want to throw up haha!
This image is from an art opening for Zack, Justin, and our other friend Mike. It was awesome and I love this pic. (this pic was taken off facebook)


Finally, an update!

So many changes are happening. Mostly good ones. Which makes me a little worried/paranoid because when things are really good, it just means something bad is around the corner. I can't anticipate what that bad thing is, so I'm going to try not to worry about it, just be aware it's there.

This past weekend was amazing. Whitney is here from NC and I missed her SO much! Even more then I realized I did (which was a lot). Friday she came and spent the day at the darkroom with me. Then Friday night we went to the fabric store and got all the ingredients for my halloween costume, which is going to be fucking epic. The dress/main part is done, except for straps for the dress, which will happen sometime this week. I still have to make my jacket/other part. And then I have to work on Jose's costume, which I'm also excited about because we're going to match (although he'll be a lot less sparkly then me). SO EXCITED!!! I can very confidently say that it is a work of art. It's actually the first dress/costume I've made totally from scratch (there are a few elements/accessories that were purchased, but the actual costume is all done by sewing. Hand sewing. No machines here!) I couldn't have accomplished it without Whitney though. I am so thankful she's here in general, and was here to help.

As we were checking out, Whit found the CUTEST monster fabric in the world. And it was cheap. I got some and made a pillowcase (which for the record is the most adorabal and amazing pillowcase in the world) and have just a tiny bit left over. I need, yes, need, to go back and get more. I'm thinking christmas presents (as much as I hate christmas, I hate being rushed with christmas, so I'm already brain storming ideas as to what to make for who, etc). Anyways, I have to return at some point this week (and buy one more thing that I didn't think I needed but turns out, I do).

Then Saturday afternoon and night, we were all at Alex's. We filmed another cooking with Wrazn episode and it was so funny. I don't know if it's possible for us to do a show, not be drunk, and not be funny. We were all incredibly drunk. Like, insanely drunk. Then there was some drama which I'm not going to get into because it's not necessary. The bottom line is, we are all a family, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. End of story.

I did get sick though around 4am, which I anticipated around midnight. Whit was sick the next morning which was no fun either. Then Zack and Rochelle had to leave to go apple picking (the rest of us were going to go but weren't feeling up for it) so we just were lazy and watched a movie, which was a perfect thing to do. I came home, napped, went grocery shopping and was pretty useless for the rest of the day.

I really want to Jose to come to visit. Usually, after he leaves, I have trouble falling asleep for a few nights because I'm used to him holding me. It's been weeks and I'm still having trouble :-/ I guess that's kind of cute, but not great for my sleeping. I just miss him to the point where my heart aches. But, when he does come, it's always amazing because I'm always so excited to see him. Hopefully soon. Fingers crossed.


Right now I have a GIANT list of things to do and am yet again overwhelmed. My weekends have been filled with fun things and I haven't gotten any work done, which is kind of sucky. I'm scared to check my bank account. Jose did an amazing job at doing a budget for me, and I've done a horrible job at sticking to it. In my slight defense though, I still had to get a bunch of stuff that I wouldn't have otherwise gotten if it weren't the beginning of the year (well, kind of..) The point is this: I won't spend that much on supplies and things of that nature every month. In fact, since I spent a lot more this month, I'm pretty set for a while, so that's good. But, even in defending myself, I have to be honest that I did spend waaaaay too much on things that I may not have "needed" but more, wanted. One of those things being my Halloween costume. But it's so epic and beautiful that I don't care. (actaully I do care, hence the feeling guilty, but I still love it).

I need to go tackle this list of things to do, but I don't want to. I'm feeling really unmotivated and that is not what needs to be happening. I'm also distracted by a bunch of other things going on in my personal life, things that I will talk about eventually, but not yet. Good things though. Good changes. Scary changes, but good ones. I think all changes are scary, especially for me.

This turned into a long update, I rambled, as per usual. I'm going to really really try to update more, mostly for me, with everything that's coming up. If anyone reads this (besides the one person I know who does) please know that things may get a little personal in the next few weeks. I haven't fully decided yet. I have a personal journal I keep as well, maybe I'll just write about stuff in there. We shall see.

Off to productivity! (here's hoping...)