I should absolutely be on top of the world right now. Things are going really good in most aspects of my life. And most of the things that aren't going great are my own fault (which I'm aware of).

This all started after my last post. I wrote an email to my cousin, whom I'm really close with, and for some reason, writing to her, I unearthed a lot of sadness and sorrow that had apparently been building up inside of me for a while. And now I can't seem to shake it. I've talked to my close friends about it in detail, and everyone, myself included, agrees that the reasons why I'm sad are perfectly normal and I have every right to feel that way. But I don't want to. I don't want to be sad because of this.

I apologize for being so cryptic. I don't want to talk about some of this because it hasn't happened yet and I don't want to jump the gun too much.

I can however explain a little more then I have been. I kind of touched on this subject last time. Basically there are some changes happening in my life, most of them really really good, yet I've been crying since Monday because it's hit me all over again that my mom isn't going to be here for me through all of this. She isn't going to get to see any of it. Now, I know she's in my heart and always will be. I also know that I have a ton of amazing and wonderful people surrounding me and loving me and I couldn't be luckier in that sense. Even though I know all of this, and believe this, it doesn't even begin to make up for the fact that she is not here. And that she won't be here. There's nothing anyone can do to change that or make it better. This is not something that is going to feel better.

I really don't want to be sad right now. Not when things are the way they are. But I can't help it.

I'm at a loss. I've hit a wall and I don't know where to go from here. I don't have much of a choice, other then to let myself be sad. And be thankful that the people around me are so loving and understanding and put up with me.

None of this knowledge changes the fact that she's gone and never coming back.