I seriously cannot deal right now. I don't even know why exactly or what sparked this, but I just can't and I don't want to.

I cannot make a decision as to what to do right now. I'm so indecisive it's crazy. No one should ever be this way. I don't understand why I am at the moment.

I'm incredibly bored. I haven't wrapped any christmas presents (which makes sense since I mostly just bought them today) but I need to go to school to do that because my wrapping stuff is there. (actually it's not all there, it's mostly here, at home, however I wanted to try this new thing and the stuff to do that is at school so yeah, the stuff is at school) But I can't decide if I should go or not right now. Fuck.

MAKE A DECISION!!!!!!!

Breathe. Just breathe. I need to formulate some type of plan here otherwise I'm just going to drive myself completely insane. I can totally make a plan (in list form). I'm a pro at that.

I just need to take some deep breaths. And calm down.

Seriously?

I honestly thought this was supposed to get easier over time, but it hasn't. At all.

So this is a transfer of a photograph I did onto clay. I'm in love with this process. I'm going to do a whole project on it and I'm really really excited about it. I especially love the lines in this one, I don't know how it worked out so well. It was a happy accident, that's for sure.

I'm really frustrated right now. I was printing in the darkroom for hours and everything looked polarized and shitty which is not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to print normally, and well. Ughhhhhh. Zack will be in in an hourish so hopefully he will help me figure out what's wrong. It's going to be a total zoo because our project is due tomorrow. Why is nothing ever simple?? Ever.

I'm going to try to do more work. Hopefully this works and I don't get screwed (again).

I'm really flustered at the moment.

Essentially, there are only 4 weeks left before finals. Really though, there's 3 because next week we have off for Thanksgiving and I'm probably not going to get much project-wise done. So there's 3 weeks to complete everything and I'm overwhelmed.

For advanced, I've been working fairly regularly in taking slide photographs of belongings in people's rooms to paint a portrait of who they are. (Not actual paint obviously but to give an idea of who they are based on objects they own). It's a really great project idea, but I've run into a bunch of problems. First, slide film. It's not going well there, and everything is always very dark. I'm taking slide film so I can do polaroid transfers. I really love the process I've come up with, I'm printing things on fabric and I love the way it looks. But the pictures don't fit the process. So now I'm thinking I may do straight up portraits, but I don't know. I have to find people to shoot, shoot them, and it's just going to be a ton of work for a short amount of time. Not to mention that it takes about a week to get my slide film processed because the lab I use doesn't process it every day, just once a week. so I'm going to have to shoot it quickly to get it developed in time. Ughhhh!

There's a whole issue with my clay class too but I seriously don't want to get into it right now because it sucks and I don't really know what to do.

I'm not sure what to do with myself right now. I have more 4x5 film to develop from this weekend and I could also print for that class because we have stuff due on Thursday and I have nothing so far. But again, things are complicated and the photos I have I want to use for the final and not our last project before the final but that means I have to shoot a ton more and blah blah blah.

Printing the slides I do have on fabric is kind of stupid because none of them look really good. And I have clay class at 3.

What to do, what to do...

Last week I was sick, which totally sucked.

This week I'm playing catch up (again).

I hate when I forget to do a reading, then I go and look for it, and I can't find it. Obviously this is mostly my own fault because the class is in less then an hour, but still, it's annoying. I'm making the effort to do the reading (which I have a feeling most of the class didn't do because most of them are in the W section and have a paper due today so yeah).

I think I may have found it so I should go print it asap.

I love make up. I know it's superficial but there's something about putting make up on that just makes me feel better. More put together. I really love make up. and I kind of love doing everyone elses make up (though I'm not that great at it - minus giving people black eyes).

More later.

This is really strange. If I'm about to throw up, my mouth waters uncontrollably (I'm not really sure why this happens, but it's always been this way. It's not a pleasant mouth watering; it's not like when you really want to eat something - it's more of a sour taste and it's intense). A few minutes ago this just happened. My stomach felt really nauseous too. I went in the bathroom and leaned over to toilet, but didn't throw up.

I really hope I'm not coming down with something.

Sleepytime tea is wonderful.

I'm currently in the darkroom covering Zack's shift. It's over in about 10 minutes though. I finished the Index of the darkroom and did email so I was fairly productive darkroom-wise.

I've been doing homework all weekend yet I feel like I've accomplished nothing and it sucks. I've been trying to maintain work lately and not be behind but I still feel behind and like I can't catch up. This week will be rough.

Big news! Turid had her baby!!! His name is Dominic and he's adorable! I'm going tomorrow to see her and him in the hospital. I'm really excited. And so happy for her. I've definately cried a few times thinking about it and that's just how happy I am.

I did a lot of thinking on Friday and sort of worked some things out. I have a lot of decisions to make in the next few weeks (really just a week and a half actually) and I have to get on that. I'm probably going to do some more thinking tonight and possibly research.

I need to think of what to do for my 4x5 final. I really loved my final the first time I took it, where I photographed a poem that I wrote back in high school. I probably haven't written a poem since then though so I couldn't do that idea again. Unless I write one. Or maybe find a poem I really love? I'm not sure if I want to do that again though. All I know is that I want to be emotionally connected to this project because I'm finding the more connected I am to something the harder I work at it. (I know this isn't some new idea I've come up with but even though I've known this for a long time, I'm finally starting to see it)

I have some reading to do and I started it but can't seem to make myself do it. Like I said, I have a lot of thinking that I need to get done. And brainstorming.

Time to pack up and go home shortly. More soon.

So confused. SO. CONFUSED.

I've read (almost) everything to be caught up in art history. I've put most of the pieces together. Yet, there's some pieces that don't fit and I don't know how to make them fit. I get them all individually but when connecting them, I am baffled.

I have no idea what to do.

I'm making a study guide now (or will be after I finish writing this). Then, note cards. But I don't need to identify anything, just compare and answer questions about things.

I have a better feeling about this exam then I did this morning. I would not classify this as a good feeling though.

Also, I'm very annoyed today at random random things. If I said half the stuff that popped into my head today, I'd be a royal bitch. Luckily, I've stopped myself most of the day.

But seriously, the things that annoy me: annoying. squared.

How does this all connect? How?

Absolutely confused.

I went to NYC over the weekend with my Clay Sculpture class. We went to a ton of art galleries and saw lots of art. It was pretty awesome. It was also Kate's 21st bday so that was exciting. The first two pictures are of pieces of art we saw, the photographs are Nan Goldins. I forget the name of the other artist (but will post it later because I have it written down!). Then, Kate and I and last a picture of buildings.

I'm not entirely sure when this happened, but I have a new life. I guess in a way, life is always changing and there's always some new aspect of it.

I bring this up mostly though because I miss parts of my old life. I'm not entirely sure what parts, but just moments that I've had in the past that I no longer have, I miss. Not miss to the point where I long for them or am really sad over it. It's just sometimes I get this feeling or memory, and remember something fondly, and miss it, but then it goes away. It's really strange. It doesn't happen all the time, just randomly. It happened today and it kind of hit me hard because I don't think about the time that I missed specifically today very often and it's an odd thing to miss. Who knows.

I finally looked at my advisement report. I'm going to be here a full year, graduating December 2011. Sigh. It's not what I wanted, but at the same time, I'm not completely upset over it. It's taken me a long ass time but it's taken more time then I have left so I may as well finish it. I feel like I notoriously start things and then don't finish, which is a horrible habit I'd love to break.

I'm supposed to be doing a project for advanced right now, which I should probably go do considering it's due in an hour and a half. It's drawing your photographs which I am NOT looking forward to. I just printed out the sheet so I should probably read the whole thing to better understand the assignment.

There's so many things that I want to do and there never seems to be enough time to do any of it. Projects and things like that. Well, I guess homework too, but I don't really want to do that haha. In all seriousness though, I really need to get my shit together and make myself DO things. Whether it's homework or other projects, I need to get my ass motivated and quick. How do you motivate yourself? Cause I could definately use some advice...

Crap. now there's only 50 minutes till class. Time to rush and do this assignment...

Things are slightly better I guess. I'm not sure. I'm still confused about how/what I'm feeling.

Right now I'm at work and I'm super bored. I brought my polaroid enlarger and printed a lot of stuff, but didn't bring enough polaroid (it's actually now fuji) sheet film. So I can't do that anymore.

I have a giant to do list but of course am not in the mood to do anything on any of it. I really need to as well. Sigh. Fuck fuck fuck. I don't know what to do. I have no darkroom related things to do at the moment and I don't feel like doing my sculpture stuff which I have a lot of.

argh!!!!!!!

I want to make something. I wish I had brought my sewing. I'm making some awesome dinosaur pajamas right now and I'd love to work on them. But, I didn't bring it.

Ugh.

I should absolutely be on top of the world right now. Things are going really good in most aspects of my life. And most of the things that aren't going great are my own fault (which I'm aware of).

This all started after my last post. I wrote an email to my cousin, whom I'm really close with, and for some reason, writing to her, I unearthed a lot of sadness and sorrow that had apparently been building up inside of me for a while. And now I can't seem to shake it. I've talked to my close friends about it in detail, and everyone, myself included, agrees that the reasons why I'm sad are perfectly normal and I have every right to feel that way. But I don't want to. I don't want to be sad because of this.

I apologize for being so cryptic. I don't want to talk about some of this because it hasn't happened yet and I don't want to jump the gun too much.

I can however explain a little more then I have been. I kind of touched on this subject last time. Basically there are some changes happening in my life, most of them really really good, yet I've been crying since Monday because it's hit me all over again that my mom isn't going to be here for me through all of this. She isn't going to get to see any of it. Now, I know she's in my heart and always will be. I also know that I have a ton of amazing and wonderful people surrounding me and loving me and I couldn't be luckier in that sense. Even though I know all of this, and believe this, it doesn't even begin to make up for the fact that she is not here. And that she won't be here. There's nothing anyone can do to change that or make it better. This is not something that is going to feel better.

I really don't want to be sad right now. Not when things are the way they are. But I can't help it.

I'm at a loss. I've hit a wall and I don't know where to go from here. I don't have much of a choice, other then to let myself be sad. And be thankful that the people around me are so loving and understanding and put up with me.

None of this knowledge changes the fact that she's gone and never coming back.

This is from when Jose was here a couple of weeks ago. Yes, we're cute and make Ellesse want to throw up haha!
This image is from an art opening for Zack, Justin, and our other friend Mike. It was awesome and I love this pic. (this pic was taken off facebook)


Finally, an update!

So many changes are happening. Mostly good ones. Which makes me a little worried/paranoid because when things are really good, it just means something bad is around the corner. I can't anticipate what that bad thing is, so I'm going to try not to worry about it, just be aware it's there.

This past weekend was amazing. Whitney is here from NC and I missed her SO much! Even more then I realized I did (which was a lot). Friday she came and spent the day at the darkroom with me. Then Friday night we went to the fabric store and got all the ingredients for my halloween costume, which is going to be fucking epic. The dress/main part is done, except for straps for the dress, which will happen sometime this week. I still have to make my jacket/other part. And then I have to work on Jose's costume, which I'm also excited about because we're going to match (although he'll be a lot less sparkly then me). SO EXCITED!!! I can very confidently say that it is a work of art. It's actually the first dress/costume I've made totally from scratch (there are a few elements/accessories that were purchased, but the actual costume is all done by sewing. Hand sewing. No machines here!) I couldn't have accomplished it without Whitney though. I am so thankful she's here in general, and was here to help.

As we were checking out, Whit found the CUTEST monster fabric in the world. And it was cheap. I got some and made a pillowcase (which for the record is the most adorabal and amazing pillowcase in the world) and have just a tiny bit left over. I need, yes, need, to go back and get more. I'm thinking christmas presents (as much as I hate christmas, I hate being rushed with christmas, so I'm already brain storming ideas as to what to make for who, etc). Anyways, I have to return at some point this week (and buy one more thing that I didn't think I needed but turns out, I do).

Then Saturday afternoon and night, we were all at Alex's. We filmed another cooking with Wrazn episode and it was so funny. I don't know if it's possible for us to do a show, not be drunk, and not be funny. We were all incredibly drunk. Like, insanely drunk. Then there was some drama which I'm not going to get into because it's not necessary. The bottom line is, we are all a family, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. End of story.

I did get sick though around 4am, which I anticipated around midnight. Whit was sick the next morning which was no fun either. Then Zack and Rochelle had to leave to go apple picking (the rest of us were going to go but weren't feeling up for it) so we just were lazy and watched a movie, which was a perfect thing to do. I came home, napped, went grocery shopping and was pretty useless for the rest of the day.

I really want to Jose to come to visit. Usually, after he leaves, I have trouble falling asleep for a few nights because I'm used to him holding me. It's been weeks and I'm still having trouble :-/ I guess that's kind of cute, but not great for my sleeping. I just miss him to the point where my heart aches. But, when he does come, it's always amazing because I'm always so excited to see him. Hopefully soon. Fingers crossed.


Right now I have a GIANT list of things to do and am yet again overwhelmed. My weekends have been filled with fun things and I haven't gotten any work done, which is kind of sucky. I'm scared to check my bank account. Jose did an amazing job at doing a budget for me, and I've done a horrible job at sticking to it. In my slight defense though, I still had to get a bunch of stuff that I wouldn't have otherwise gotten if it weren't the beginning of the year (well, kind of..) The point is this: I won't spend that much on supplies and things of that nature every month. In fact, since I spent a lot more this month, I'm pretty set for a while, so that's good. But, even in defending myself, I have to be honest that I did spend waaaaay too much on things that I may not have "needed" but more, wanted. One of those things being my Halloween costume. But it's so epic and beautiful that I don't care. (actaully I do care, hence the feeling guilty, but I still love it).

I need to go tackle this list of things to do, but I don't want to. I'm feeling really unmotivated and that is not what needs to be happening. I'm also distracted by a bunch of other things going on in my personal life, things that I will talk about eventually, but not yet. Good things though. Good changes. Scary changes, but good ones. I think all changes are scary, especially for me.

This turned into a long update, I rambled, as per usual. I'm going to really really try to update more, mostly for me, with everything that's coming up. If anyone reads this (besides the one person I know who does) please know that things may get a little personal in the next few weeks. I haven't fully decided yet. I have a personal journal I keep as well, maybe I'll just write about stuff in there. We shall see.

Off to productivity! (here's hoping...)

Yet again, I'm being a total and utter failure at updating. I apologize!

so much going on right now. I actually don't have time this minute to update but I will SOON, I promise!

more to come...

I completely and totally forgot that I have a journal!

Things have been crazy the past few weeks. Summer came to an end which snuck up on me as per usual. Then, school started, which has been overwhelming. I also moved into the new apartment with Ellesse, my roommate. So lots of changes.

School isn't bad, I just feel overwhelmed and behind already. I'm taking 4x5 Photo, Advanced Photo, History of Photo I and Clay Sculpture. It's seriously not bad, I'm pretty much enjoying everything so far. I just have to jump into my projects and get going. It's been a slow start and it's been hard to get motivated. But I have to.

I'm sure tons of other stuff happened but none of it is probably important. This weekend is going to be really fun. Natalie is coming up tonight to hang out and staying till the afternoon tomorrow; we're going to see All Time Low for free here at UConn! I've never seen them/only know one song but it should be good anyways. Then, tomorrow night, JOSE is coming! I haven't seen him in forever and I really miss him!! It's going to be really nice to have him here. I'm very excited. It hasn't fully hit me yet that I'm going to see him since it's been so long so I'm going to be even more excited later/tomorrow.

Alright I think this is enough of an update for now. I'm at work at the darkroom right now which is good. I have stuff to work on but like an idiot didn't bring most of it. Oh well. I'm really excited to start my advanced project; I'm working in polaroids. I have to shoot really soon because I'm going to need to get slides developed and that's in Hartford.

Off I go!

I've had a headache all weekend. It's gone from bad to worse to ok and back again. I don't know why. It's particularly bad at the moment.

I'm at work right now. The girl is happily playing by herself, which is nice. The mom came home and I was on my computer, so I looked incredibly lazy and useless. I really hope she doesn't mind. I feel bad too because she said I spent a lot of money last week (which I did) but kind of said it in a bad way. She usually takes her daughter out for lunch and stuff, which is usually around $12, which is what I did too. She owes me a lot of money right now, but can't pay me till Friday which really sucks. Like, really really sucks. I guess at least I'll get a big pay check then and it will be ok because then I can't spend it before then and I'll have it for school? I just need some now, I have almost zero in my accounts, all of them, and I need gas.


My head really hurts and I don't know what to do. I took advil.

I have so much packing to do. And other things. Hard to do with no money. Ughs. Big big ughs.

I guess that's all for now. I'm going to go look up useless info until Brooke needs me for something.

Life is moving really fast these days and I'm really uncomfortable with it. On a long drive home recently, I thought about a lot of stuff and I'm thinking I may need to work a lot of this out. I don't really want to go back into therapy (because it's expensive - not because I'm against it - it's been very helpful in the past) but I may have to. The thing is, I'm not even entirely sure what needs to be worked out. I'm just feeling not ok at the moment and I really don't like it.

Next week is school, so this is my last week home. I'm sad about it; I feel like I didn't get a lot accomplished this summer. I didn't have the greatest of summers. I worked a lot, which was good, but had huge issues saving money (because of expenses and because I'm not the greatest saver) so I don't have much to show for all of my work. I probably will have the same job next summer - I hope, so that's good. I don't want to leave my grandparents. I'm really sad about it.

I'm looking forward to this semester and I'm planning on working my ass off. I want to learn as much as possible and take some amazing photographs for my future portfolio. I'm going to work harder in my history of photo class then I ever have in any art history class (although I worked pretty hard in my African Art class last semester but I'm going to step it up) I'm trying my best to get myself pumped up.

I have a lot of stuff moved already but still have to move all of my clothing (which is a lot) and some random stuff. Not looking forward to it truthfully. I'm looking forward to being all moved in. I have to order a futon as soon as I get paid from last week, which I didn't get yet which kind of sucks. But yeah, futon for a bed. It's probably going to backfire on me, but luckily I can make uncomfortable sleeping situations work for me, so that's good at least.

I have to deal with stuff and I don't want to. I'm not ready to, I guess. Or, I just don't want to. Either.

I'm really bored at work right now. I'm watching the girl, but she's watching TV (cause her mom just wants her to chill). We went to the park earlier today, ran some errands, and then got some lunch and came home. She has an art class in a few hours, so that'll be nice I guess. I'm just bored now. I guess I could go watch TV with her but I'm really tired of the disney channel. it's just annoying.

ughhhhh. why can things never be simple? I don't understand it.

fuck. I hate boredom. at least I'm making money..

back to being bored I go.

I had nothing to do today so I just stayed up at school. I have work tomorrow.

I'm kind of depressed.

The reason I'm upset is that I have a friend, one of my best friends, who has barley talked to me all summer. I don't know why and I don't know what I did to make this happen. I have tried to reach out to her with no success. This has never happened before in our friendship and I honestly thought it never would. It's happened to me in the past with a different friend once; we were the best of friends and then she just stopped talking to me, with no reason. Eventually she came around and told me what her reason was (which I won't get into here but was silly - she wasn't angry at me for something I did, it was something else completely having to do with her). I'm at a loss in this situation, I don't know what to do. I've tried and gotten zero reciprocation. Mostly though, it just makes me sad. I feel like I've lost a best friend, which I pretty much have. And that's a horrible feeling to have.

I ordered more polaroid film online over the weekend. (with money I seriously should not have spent) Hopefully it won't take as long to get here as the camera and first order of film did. That would really suck. I'm still in love with the camera, but I've had to slow myself down because I can go through film SO quickly.

I'm trying to distract myself and get my mind off this whole situation with my friend but I don't really know how to. My initial reaction is defensive, but I don't know if that's the right way to approach the situation. I seriously don't even know what the situation is, which makes it pretty impossible to approach at all.

I need to figure out stuff in my life. I have an idea, but I want a better idea. I know nothing can be set in stone because you never know what's going to happen in life, whats around the corner. That's one of my biggest fears, things that are around the corner. I hate the unknown.

I'm just sad and depressed and I don't know what to do with myself in this moment. I have to do laundry and I should clean up my room a bit, but I don't feel like doing anything. I just feel sad. I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do.

I am beyond absolutely convinced that there's something in the water up at school because everytime I come here after being away for a while, I get sick to my stomach. Every single semester after being home, it happens. If I'm away for two weeks (as in this case) it happens. I don't fucking understand it! You'd think that by now, after four years, I'd be used to it. But no. Everysinglefuckingtime!!!!!


Sigh. So basically I'm up here at school this weekend. I didn't really have much to do here, but I figure I'm paying for this apartment, I may as well be in it. Tonight I'm going to a bon fire at Alex's with a bunch of my UConn friends which should be really nice. Although I'm not feeling that great right now (stomach issues plus a very angry period). But, I'm going to go a little late (he won't even be there till 8 but Zack is there setting up from 4-on)

I GOT MY NEW POLAROID CAMERA!!!!!! I'm so fucking excited about it. I'm absolutely in love, all over again. Seriously, polaroids are the reason I love photography so much. It's not the form I fell in love with originally, but it's the form that I love best. I started in black and white, but did do color slides on polaroid peel apart film back in high school, which is when I first fell in love with polaroids. Ahhh I can't get over how much I love it. I ordered more film last night, but I just want boxes and boxes and cases and cases of it (which I cannot afford) I'm going to have to finagle a way to make it "school supplies". Maybe I'll do lots of advanced projects in polaroids. and I can test 4x5 in polaroids (the film is about $1 a sheet (plus shipping-they come in boxes of $10 and shipping flat rate is like $5), which isn't cheap, but 4x5 costs about $4-$5 a sheet for the film and processing of the film so it's cheaper then that). The new camera has a picture that's about half (probably even less then that) the size of the old 600 film. I miss that film, but I love the new one. I miss 669 film too (the peel apart kind). I still have a few boxes of that to do slides on. I wanted to try to save it for my senior project but I have to look at the expiration dates and figure out of that's feesable.

Ok I'm semi inspired (for the first time all summer) to go and look at some photo books and brainstorm some photo project ideas. Hopefully I'll feel better soon and get my ass over to Alex's.

Lots to update on. Last week was kind of bad because I only worked one day because my boss and her daughter went out of town. I was at my apartment for the majority of the weekend and got a bunch of stuff done there which was good. Then came back to find I didn't need to work for most of the week, which wasn't so good.

Then, this weekend, which was super busy. It was the greatest idea, but I drove down to VA for Jose's sister's wedding. (The going wasn't the problem, it was just driving my car - it's got over 200,000 miles on it and isn't doing that great - I probably should have found another way. oh well!) It was a packed weekend. I arrived Friday afternoon, Jose and I hung out, then went to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. I met a lot of his extended family which was nice and a lot of family friends. It was truely nice to get to know his family better. His uncle is a photographer and we got to talk for a while which was also pretty cool.

Then, Saturday, wedding day. It was busy busy. Jose and I were in charge of getting the flowers from the woman who did them and then bringing them to the hall where the party was and the church. We ended up having to get bows at a nearby florist because someone had forgotten to order them. For 4 bows, little white ribbon bows and went on the first two pews on either side at the church, cost $75. I'm not even joking! Insane! I decided that I'm already going to start saving for my wedding because that's just crazy!!!! Anyways, we got there, helped out, and the ceremony was an hour and a half. They had a full catholic mass with a lot of music which is why it was so long. It wasn't that bad though. I didn't really know what to do/what was going on because I'm not catholic, but, I followed along pretty well. Oh, also, half of it was in Spanish because the grooms family (and most of Jose's family) is from Mexico. So I used a lot of my (not very good) Spanish skills this weekend.

The party afterwards was fun. They had great food (a fajita buffet with other Mexican foods) and there was lots of beer, socializing and dancing. Jose's godmother reminded me SO much of my Grams who passed away almost a year ago. My Grams was kind of crazy with a whacky sense of humor and though his godmother wasn't crazy, I feel they had the same sense of humor. It was nice for me to get to experience that in someone else. There was also lots of dancing at the party, which I was horrible out. I'm not a good dancer AT ALL. Jose made fun of me a little for my dancing and attempted to help me out/teach me, but that didn't go too well. I was embarrassed. Hopefully the videographer didn't get much of me on tape during that portion of the evening.

The whole experience was nice though. Overall it kind of made me sad though because it made me think about my wedding and stuff. It made me think a lot about my mom and how hard it will be without her. I almost cried multiple times from the rehersal to the reception thinking about how much I want my mom to be there and how she won't. It also made me kind of sad because I need my father and my grandparents to be there too, but everyone is getting old and it just scares me. I just hope it all works out is all.

Seriously though, the weekend was great. I feel bad because I was kind of cranky through parts of it (any family time, even with my own family, kind of stresses me out/makes me sad for the above reasons and just because it makes me think of the sad stuff (even though I know I shouldn't think of the sad things, I still do) so being with this huge family that I barley knew was a little stressful/sad). I tried my best to be my best, hopefully it was alright. Most of his family seemed to really like me, which makes me happier then words can describe. I feel like this is a really great step in the right direction for our future. :-)

This week will hopefully be filled with work. I'm not working today because Brooke is away with her dad camping. I am working a FULL day tomorrow though because Amy has work too. I have no clue what I'm going to do with Brooke. I think I'm going to be working full days the whole week since Amy has work all week. At least I'll be making (much needed) money. Next weekend I may be up at school. I have to talk to Jose more and figure out when he's coming up next.

I guess that's all for now, a very long update! I shall write more soon!

I've been really stressed out with moving. Things aren't going as I had imagined/planned which is making everything else more difficult.

I ordered furniture and I'm confused by the tracking. I think something is coming tomorrow because it says "on truck for delivery" only it says it won't be here till Thursday. Confusing.

Apartment living is not what I had imaged. Not yet at least.

I'm very bored and have nothing to do right now. I'm tired of watching DVD's and I don't feel like sewing either. I guess I can work on my polaroid wall except I don't know exactly where everything is going to be going in my room yet so I'm not 100% sure where to put it.

I seriously hope this week is better. I need to make more money, and fast.

This week has been kind of rough so far and I'm not sure why. Brooke was pretty bad yesterday. I find it a lot harder to watch kids when parents/grandparents are around. Because I'm not really watching them fully, and I can't get into the right rhythm. Anyways, I'm picking her up from camp shortly. I hope she's good today. Her mom is away this week (till Thurs I think) and her grandparents are watching her, but they're going out tonight so I'm in charge I guess. It just stresses me out this job, but I need the money so freaking badly that I don't have much of a choice in the matter.

Speaking of money I don't know what I'm going to do. I have rent due this weekend when I go to get my keys and I don't have it. I'm pretty sure when I talked to my dad he said he could lend it to me until my financial aid comes through because it has yet to. Which I'm also really annoyed and pissed off about. It's partially my fault, but it's also a lot of UConn's fault and I have a feeling I'm going to get mega screwed and be in deep shit for this up coming school year. I need all the extra money I was supposed to get so I can pay rent and for food. Ugh.

I'm feeling really strange right now and I'm not entirely sure why. I can't get comfortable. I'm not tired, I slept really well last night. I hadn't taken my medication in a day so maybe my body is just readjusting to that? I don't know though, I do feel very strange. I just made some lists of things I need to get at Target for school and there's a LOT of stuff. Mostly because I'm moving and I need to buy new of everything because I used up everything I had left at the end of the year/start of summer.

I don't like how unstable my life is going to be the next few weeks. I'm going to have two places I'm living and I feel like I'm going to get confused and annoyed. I still have to stay home because I'll still be working, but I feel like I'm going to want to go back to school already. I kind of already do. I desperately need to find another job up at school but unfortunately my schedule isn't very babysitter-friendly at the moment. If I could find someone with a baby who needs help in the mornings a few days a week, I could totally do that, it would be perfect. I should start looking now. Maybe I'll go do that until I have to go switch cars and pick up Brooke (her mom had an extra car that was with her parents in Kentucky but now it's back here so essentially it's mine to use to pick up Brooke so I don't have to waste my gas/miles anymore. So that's good at least)

I hope I start feeling less strange soon...

So I had a pretty perfect weekend. I worked hard all week for both Amy and the Mac's so it was double work. I got double paid though, so I guess that's good. I need it right now, every single penny of it.

Then Friday night I got invited to Zack's. Zack, Whitney, Alex and Justin were all there and I missed them SO much! It was awesome to see all my UConn friends again. Raphael, Zack's step brother was also there and it was great to see him too. His parents (dad and step mom) were on a business trip but they came home late that night) I invited Frankie, one of Jose's best friends to come too and that was fun to see him. We won at beer pong; we got six cups in a row in on our first shots. It was awesome. I ended up sleeping there because I got a little too drunk to drive two hours home.

I woke up kind of late on Saturday and then went home and showered and got ready to go meet my cousin Kyra in Brooklyn. She was visiting a friend. We ate at this Mexican resturant that was really tasty. Then we went to the movies and we saw Inception. SO GOOD! A total mind bender. I need to see it again to fully understand it, that's for sure. I really loved all the actors in it too so that was a bonus. It was later then I had thought it would be by the time the film was over and I nearly missed the last train home. But luckily I made it with a few minutes to spare and got home around 3am. I slept all day and did laundry. I got called into work to go to Trumball to pick up Brooke because her dad had brought her to a party that was running really late and her mom wanted to stay with her family and parents who are visiting. Amy is going away for the week so I'll be helping her parents out with Brooke. I don't think I'm going to make that much money, but oh well. I did make double kind of last week so that was good.

So this weekend was pretty great. I'm sad that it's over, it went be super fast. Next weekend (Sunday to be exact) Ellesse and I get keys to our new apartment up at school! I'm really excited! I kind of want to move everything and get it done with but I know it's just going to be a major pain in the ass. I have to start getting organized and getting ready soon though because school starts in like four weeks. Crazy!

I'm pretty sure Marley doesn't love me anymore.

This kind of breaks my heart, in a big way.

:-/

This really isn't my week. I woke up early to get a new phone, and they had two options. I got one, and I absolutely fucking hate it. I need to return it ASAP. It's so flimsy and annoying and loud (the keys are loud - I turned the key pad volume off but when you text the buttons click and are loud) and I'm so ocd about it. I didn't realize how badly I'm ocd about my phone but I seriously am.

The kids were a little better today which was good. I worked all day though, which kind of sucked. My new tires are good at least. Today was just blah.

I have nothing to do now, literally. I have no money to spend on anything. Things are just generally sucky right now. I want to do something fun but I don't know what that is. I also want to do something productive but I don't know what that is either. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I don't know how it's going to go. We shall see.

Ellesse and I are getting ready to move. Our landlord is giving us the keys early and said we can bring some stuff up. That's exciting. and a little scary too.

I guess that's all for now. My brain is mush and I'm in a grumpy mood. My foot is also asleep. I just can't seem to really win these days. I really hope things get better.

I can't sleep. Which double sucks because I've had an incredibly shitty day AND I have a very long day ahead of me tomorrow.

I had a flat tire and had to get it fixed today, which ended up taking a lot of time and more money then I had hoped.

Then, the rest of my day was super shitty. Work just was blah and stressful and sucked. Then, tonight, of all things, my phone decides it won't charge anymore. Meaning, I need to buy a new phone tomorrow, with money I don't really have. But I need it for work. Fuckkkkkk

I'm really tired but I can't sleep. I had tea at Ellesse's earlier and I think that it's keeping me up. I just want to go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be even longer then today (work wise) and I'm going to need all the help I can get.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Hopefully things will improve as the week goes on...

Alright, so update time. A few weekends ago I went to VA to visit Jose and his family. Jose graduated from college which I'm SO proud of! I got to hang out with his family which was a little intimidating at first, but worked out really well. I enjoy them a lot. Then, he came last weekend for the 4th of July, so all in all I've been seeing him bunches lately. I miss him still though. Yesterday was his birthday and I think I finally figured out an excellent present to get him.

Lets see what else. I've been trying to work as much as possible lately, which has been semi difficult considering the family I'm working for was away in Kentucky for the past two weeks now. I picked them up on Tuesday and they're back. I'm really grateful for work, however I do not really like the job. Mostly, it's the little girl. She's kind of a brat, which makes my job really difficult. At least with the twins I've known them long enough and I know the boundaries and rules better, but with this family I'm starting new and it's difficult. She doesn't want to listen to me and I can't really blame her, I'm just an outsider. so, she doesn't. And then I get frustrated and angry and hate it. Hopefully as time goes on things will get better. I still have about five plus weeks with her. Hopefully we'll start to do fun things and then she'll like me better. I hate dreading work. It's just as bad as not having work. Ugh.

I'm so stressed out about money. I have to pay first and last month's rent and my bank account is very low at the moment (mostly because the family was away for the past two weeks and I haven't gotten paid for housesitting for them yet). I mean, very very low. Luckily when I was working more I put some into savings but even that won't cover first or last months' rent. I also am having doctor billing issues, as well as health insurance. Being an adult kind of blows, big time. I just want to have enough money to be able to afford the basics next year and it's not looking too hopeful right now.

Other then that, things have been decent. I'm working on my quilt sewing project. I'm really excited about it, though I haven't done it in a while. I'm supposed to fix a skirt for a friend that I have to do very soon. I have to go to work in about 25 minutes and I'm not sure what to do until then. I don't want to start sewing because then I hate stopping in the middle of a row or something. I don't want to read because I kind of have a head ache (mostly because of the lack of insurance which leads to lack of medication which equals head ache for Natalia)

I need to start having adventures. I seriously hope I get paid tomorrow like I'm supposed to because my cousin is going to be in NYC this weekend and I would LOVE to go see her. I love NYC and I've barley been, just once with Jose this summer. That's sad. I must go more!

Ok that's all for now, long enough update. More pictures soon (as soon as I take more...) and hopefully HAPPY things to update on too!

fireworks!


4th of July fireworks


Jose and I

Sunset at Milford Beach in CT




Sorry I've been so sucky at posting (again). So much to update on, but not much time at the moment. I PROMISE soon! For now, some photos from this weekennd.

I really hope no one forgets

I only got 4 hours of sleep last night. Today is going to be a very, very long day. Ugh.

I should be asleep right now but I can't for some reason. I have work really early tomorrow and for a really long time, so that sucks. Well, I'll be making money at least so it doesn't suck that badly. I like the money part.

I have to get my car fixed and my license renewed this week otherwise I'm screwed. Next weekend Jose graduates from college (undergrad) and I'm going to be there for that. I'm excited about that too. I also need to get my oil changed before I leave, that's really important.

My birthday is Wednesday. I'm kind of excited about it, though I'm not sure why. I don't have anything particularly exciting planned. Lunch with my big sister, going out with friends. All of which I'm excited about, but like I said, no huge plans.

I went out last night and got incredibly drunk. I haven't been that drunk in a while. I slept at Mikes because I couldn't drive home. I woke up early, feeling like total crap, drove home, and tried my best to sleep and not throw up (successfully). It was an early birthday celebration.

Not much more to say at the moment. I have to try to sleep because tomorrow is going to be a long day (8:30am-5-ish pm). Then the family I'm babysitting for is going away for two weeks and I'm house sitting for them. That should be interesting. She said I could have a few people over, which I might. I honestly don't want to throw a party because I don't want to be responsible for a party like that at someone else's house.

Bedtime bears.

I have been beyond horrible about posting lately and I apologize for that. I've been working for the past two weeks which is great, but I need to make more money to save more money. My car sucks up so much money. I have to get the radio fixed asap.

I wish I had more to say at the moment but I don't really. I'm just really tired and ready for bed.

I don't know why I've been so bad about updating lately, but I know that I have been.

So much has happened yet none of it seems worthy of writing about. I've been spending a lot of time with Ellesse and Mike. Also Turid. and I've gotten to see some people that I haven't seen in a while so that was nice too.

I hate missing people. It just makes me sad.

It's really hot outside and in my room. I absolutely hate being hot. Ughhhh.

I guess that's all for now, boring I know. More later.

Lots to update on! Last week was basically amazing. Jose came for a few days and I'm so happy I got to see him. It really sucks not being able to see him all the time, however when we do see each other, it's like a million times more amazing. And it was a perfect few days. We went to NYC to the Museum of Natural History and I taught him just about everything I learned in African Art History this past semester, so that was cool. They have so much awesome stuff there that we lost track of time until they made the announcement that they were closing soon! We spent almost five hours there. Then we walked around NYC and went to Central Park and sat on a bench, watching people row in little boats. It was so beautiful. I shall post a picture! We went to dinner at this really great Chinese restaurant and I introduced him to Pinkberry (which is seriously the best stuff in the world!) We took a late train back and then hung out. It was a perfect few days.

Then, I went to MA for the night to visit with all my friends from UConn. It was nice to see them too, although kind of weird. It's a long complicated story, but it makes me sad and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it anymore. However, I did have a really great time and I really have missed all of them. It really was nice to see them and I hope that I see them again soon. I want to have as many fun adventures as I possibly can this summer.

So I may have found a job. Actually, two jobs. It's also kind of complicated but the short version is I may work for the Mac's friend, or, I found this job though student employment at my old high school (which was really strange to go back to! Jose came with me and he was just like "your student center is bigger then my entire school was") and now I don't know what to do. I'm working for the Mac's friend today and hopefully we can discuss further what their summer plans are/how much I can work for them. This other job offer is pretty consistant (meaning every week day) so I don't want to take it until I know I'm really free. I have to talk to the Mac's friend first though. I'm glad I have offers at least because I'm so desperate, I'll do just about anything right now. I need to make (and save) as much money as possible.

I woke up early and went to the gym with Ellesse this morning. I'm tired now and a little sore (even though I didn't do weights, just an hour and a half of cardio) but I guess that's good. I still really hate the gym, I don't think that's every going to change. Now I'm just doing some busy work until I go over to Ellesse's to clean my car and then off to walk the dogs for the Mac's friend and pick up their kid from school. I'm a little nervous, I've only met the daughter a few times, but she seems really sweet. I've never babysat for her though and I always get nervous with a new routine. At least I'm developing a routine though, I'm not complaining about that.

Ok this turned out to be really long. I'm going to go do some stuff now, but I shall try to be more consistant with my updates!

I want your love and I want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance

I love shea and coco butter. They make my skin so soft!

Not a bad weekend. Not a great weekend either. I'm conflicted about a lot of stuff.

Sigh.

I've been horrible at posting lately and I apologize. There's really no reason for it, I haven't been that busy. I'm still trying my HARDEST to find a job for the summer. I seriously have no idea what I'm going to do. I've been babysitting for the Mac's a few times and I probably will continue to while the kids are in school. I may babysit for one of the kids' friends too, so that would be good. But then they're going to MD like usual (as far as I know) and I don't know if I'll be invited this year, especially after last year. But I won't get into that because I'm trying to think positively.

I went out with my cousin Jen today which was a lot of fun as always. It was nice to catch up with her and she's a lot happier now that she's self employed again. So that's good.

Most of my time has been catching up with people, which has been nice. I seriously want to be working more though because I'm so beyond broke that it's sad. I have less then no money at the moment and I'm so sick of having no money. I know I'll be getting a little money next week but it's not going to help much because I know it won't last long. I'm not even that horrible at managing money, I just have a lot of expenses (bills, medication, food, etc) that I don't get help with. Sigh.

My summer sewing project (or at least the first one) is making another quilt. I'm making it out of all the scrap fabric I have left over from projects and projects. It's coming along nicely so far. I could use my grandmothers sewing machine but I've decided that I want to do it by hand. They mean more to me that way, like my hand physically sewed this entire quilt that is keeping you warm. I need to fix my original t-shirt quilt. I also need some inspiration for other projects because with all my free time, I'd like to be doing something somewhat productive.

I guess that's all for now. I'm kind of boring lately. I'm doing laundry, I have to remember to swap it into the dryer. And eventually, I need to clean out the garage (yikes!)

Today is double sad.

So finals week came and went, pretty quickly and painless so that was good. I'm home now, and my room is an absolute MESS! So is my garage where the majority of my crap is. I need someone to help me organize everything and throw shit away. Seriously, I have so much stuff. Part of the issue is because I'm staying in my grandparents guest room and there's no where to put any of my stuff (it's also a pretty small room) so that's that. I want to get organized, I feel like I'll have a better grip on my life.

I found my quote journals, which I'm really really happy about. I want to do something crafty and neat. I want to stop feeling sad. So many wants...

I'm in the darkroom right now and it is SO FUCKING HOT!!!!! It's pretty warm outside too, but it's just a hundred degrees hotter in here (so it feels like). Yuck! I hate feeling sticky and gross. I'm wearing jeans and I'm regretting it big time - this is why I stick to skirts and dresses in the summer. Ventilation!

This weekend was hectic. Jose came up to help me move and it was a lot more slow of a process then I had hoped it would be. We only made one trip on Saturday, in one car only, so that was kind of sucky. Then he brought more stuff home for me last night while I stayed up at school and tried to do work (unsuccessfully). I'm glad I got to spend time with him this weekend though, it's always nice. I feel stupid at the end of our time together because I ALWAYS cry. I can't help it, I just get so sad. And then I'm sad for a few days afterwards. Meaning, I'm still sad today. I don't sleep as well and that really sucks. I only slept like three hours last night.

I have to focus on African Art, big time. I finished both of my photo projects so I'm all set for that. But, not so much for African Art. I'm embarrassed to say I still haven't finished the book OR written the paper on said book. Yeah, I suck. It was due a week ago. I have to have it done by Wednesday, no matter what, because that's when the final is. I know, I fucking suck at life sometimes. Ughhhhh!

All I want to do is sleep in some air conditioned room. I'd totally be more motivated to do work if it weren't so muggy outside. I'm literally sweating as I sit here without doing anything. Ok I'll stop describing it and being gross now.

Anyways. I should probably go and be productive or something. I'm deciding if I should go home tonight and bring more stuff back or if I should just stay up here. I hate decision making, I really really do.

One year ago, crazy.

I'm delirious at this point. I have a final that starts in a few minutes that I have to walk to. I don't know up from down.

The rest of the week will be interesting.

Still awake. Reading this fucking book to do this fucking paper. That was due Monday but is now due today (Wednesday) because only two kids in the class actually did the paper for Monday. I don't know what I'm going to do, besides cry.

Shower time to wake myself up. Then, reading until the dining hall opens for coffee. I need lots and lots of coffee.

I can't sleep. Again.

I'm supposed to be reading a book/writing a paper on the book, but I'm too tired to read anymore. Yet I can't fall asleep. I'm also very hungry.

So much stuff happened yesterday that ruined the weekend pretty much. I won't go into it more then that, but it sucked.

Things have kind of been sucking lately in general. I've been feeling really depressed too. This isn't good.

Hopefully things will change soon.

I hate liars and I hate two-faced people.

To say I'm hurt and upset would be an understatement.

Whatever.

It's Friday, so that means that I'm in the darkroom, working. Kind of gross, but at least I'm making some money. Money sucks, but it's nice when you have it. I'm really tired today, I haven't been sleeping well (even when I take the ambien, it still hasn't been very good). Last night was the same, I stayed up late and had to wake up early. Oh well.

I'm printing photos for my documentary final. I'm taking portraits of people's feet instead of their faces, because faces are very common and feet aren't as common. Also, feet tend to make people feel uncomfortable, so I like that aspect of it too. And, surprisingly, feet have a lot of personality. I'm kind of excited about this project, so that's good. I have to finish up my independent study project too. I got a little behind on that again so I need to finish that up.

It's spring weekend here at UConn. I have mixed feelings about spring weekend. I don't like it because I have to be paranoid about driving; there's cops EVERYWHERE!! I'm afraid to have one drink and then drive, just because I don't want to get into trouble. It's nice that they have a weekend where everyone can let loose, but it still kind of sucks. Huge crowds of drunken people aren't really my thing. But it's interesting, to say the least.

I've been putting off reading this book for African Art for weeks and weeks and now it's due on Monday (the paper that I have to write for it). I'm SO not looking forward to this. I seriously need to sit down and just read it. I'm on page 25 out of 300. That's a shitton of reading that I'm NOT looking forward to. Ugh. And it's spring weekend, and supposed to be really nice out tomorrow. Yuck! I have to work for Whitney on Sunday so hopefully I'll get some done then. I need to get some done before then though, like, now. I just can't concentrate on it. And it's such a confusing book; I don't understand what's going on. It doesn't get better either because Hannah is reading the same book and she's farther ahead them me and says it's still just as confusing. Sighs.

I guess I should go be productive with darkroom stuff. I want to get this project (feet) printed as much as possible, then I'm going to make myself read (or try to).

Another sleepless night. I'm not sure what's up with me lately. I guess you could say there's a lot on my mind.

Here are some quotes from songs mostly that I'm thoroughly enjoying/finding therapeutic lately. Any questions, feel free to ask.

"I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot, I guess not"

"I miss you less and less everyday. It's true the whiskey's helped to wash you away"

"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl, year after year"

"Half of the time we're going but we don't know where"

"I will be your hero and your whore"

"Wake up you've got a lot of things to do, wake up the sun is rising without you"

"Leave all your loving, your loving behind. You can't carry it with you if you want to survive"

I can't sleep. I've already taken a sleeping pill, hours ago, which doesn't seem to be doing much good right now. I don't know what my problem is. I've been playing bowling on my iTouch (new obsession - the bowling, not the iTouch - that's an older obsession) but the battery just flashed red so it has to be plugged in and I can't play/have it plugged in at the same time because I want to be in bed in an attempt to sleep.

I figured out what I'm making someone for graduation. I'm very excited about it. I hope it comes out the way I want.

I love Lady Gaga. Just saying.

I hate not sleeping. I get so bored. There's nothing on TV, not that I watch TV anyways. I don't think we're going to have cable next year, which I'm fine with. I end up missing my favorite shows and buying them on iTunes anyways (and my "favorite" shows are few and far between). I'm so excited for the new apartment. We move in August 1st. So exciting!!! I kind of wish I could start moving in now so I don't have to lug all my shit home and then back up here at the end of the summer.

I'm actively looking for summer jobs. I HAVE to work this summer and make money. My minimum goal is $2,000. I can't make any less then that. And I have to save at least half of that, preferably 3/4ths.

I'm totally rambeling. That happens when I can't sleep. I wish I had more insiteful things to say, but I really don't. Ha. Oh well.

I have a busy day tomorrow. Work 9-10, class 10:30-11:45, work 12-3 and then I need to get organized for Wednesday's photo shoot. I hope everything works out semi ok. I need to shoot a lot of people and I hate relying on people to model because it often doesn't work out. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

That is all for now. I'm going to figure out something to do. Maybe I'll sew a little. Hopefully sleep.

Goodnight all!

Lately I've been feeling really alone. I know that it's not the case. I'm surrounded by people. Yet at the same time, I can't help but feel it. I just feel like everyone has their own lives and there's no room for me. Everything is about to change big time and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Ready or not, it's going to happen. I hate change sometimes, I really do. I know it can be good and positive and healthy, but it just throws everything off.

Lots of stuff has been going on but I don't really feel like writing about that right now. I'm not sure what I feel like writing about. I'm just in feeling a general discontent feeling about life. I have to do work but I don't feel like it. I guess it's fair to say I'm sad.

"I wish I were special..."

I have a ton of stuff to do on my to do list but, as per usual, I'm having a very difficult time getting motivated. Most importantly for tonight, I have to go and mat all my prints for the scholarship show. I want to go when it's closed so that way I can spread out and have room to work. The darkroom doesn't close until 11 tonight though. Yuck. I guess I have to wait till then. That's an hour and a half. Double yuck. Maybe I'll just go in earlier and hope that not many people are there. I could call ahead I suppose. This whole thing is such a pain in the ass.

I just called ahead. There are two people matting. So I have to wait. I need to read but I'm so ADD right now that I don't think I can concentrate. I need a red bull but then I don't want to be up all night. Why are things never simple??

I seriously wish I were one of those naturally motivated people. That would make things so much easier and I'd be so much more productive. I love productivity, I really do. I guess I'm going to go read now.

Sorry for the complaints.

So I suppose this is my new blog. I have an old one, but I decided it's time for a new one, a new chapter if you will. I don't have all that much to say at the moment, besides the fact that I should be doing some reading but I've decided not to (I really do dislike nonproductiveness) I have a to-do list a mile long that I should be working on, but of course, I'm not. Typical.

I will leave off with one of my favorite polaroids that I took on my recent spring break trip with three friends to North Carolina.